Its hard to think that when my water broke the doctors told me I couldn't keep him in longer than my 34 week point. They also told me that if I went into labor they would not stop it, and would let my little boy decided when his birthday would be. I set a goal that I was going to keep him in until my Dad's birthday, so that I could give him a grandson for his birthday. That would have put me at 30 weeks and I was so sure I would make it. Today is my Dad's birthday, and I only was able to keep Max safe and sound for 2 days and 14 hours. I tell him every day that I'm sorry, and that I'm sorry he is hurting because I couldn't stay pregnant for any longer. Everyone tells me that he won't remember to pokes and prods, the needles and the IV's and I pray every day they are right.
He did have to have another blood transfusion, but the results of the test they are running with his blood are right within the range they want them to be. Since they have all been good, he no longer needs the
Arterial line in his foot and once the blood transfusion finished they removed that line also. This means for the first time since being admitted to Primary Children’s BOTH of his feet are FREE of wires and needles! I'm actually going to be able to put a pair of booties on his itty bitty feet. :)
Since stopping the Indocin, and beginning feedings again Max has made some huge improvements. They are no longer getting any blood out of his lungs, and the infection in his lung seems to be gone. The cyst is still there, but because he is doing well they do not need to do the surgery right away. He has also been off antibiotics for a few days and tolerating it very well. When they first began his feedings again they started him at 2mL and have increased him from there almost daily. He went to 3mL, then 5mL, 9mL, 12mL and most recently 15mL! The NNP told me today that he is doing so well with tolerating feedings if he increases a bit more they will take his PICC line out because he won't be needing the TPN anymore for his nutrition. By next week my sweet little boy might be completely needle free. The thought makes me want to cry the biggest happy tears I've ever cried in my life, I nearly did on the phone with her. I am so beyond grateful for the blessings and prayers for my sweet little boy, thankfully he is getting these blessings even though I don't deserve them. Another result of the increased feedings is the increased weight gain. Tonight when they weighed him the nurse told me he is only 11 grams away from 3 pounds!! He has gained nearly 15 oz from his birthweight plus all the weight he lost initially. I just need him to get off the oscillating ventilator (which they have weaned down as well) so that I can hold him again. It’s been 17 days now since I last had him in my arms and I cannot wait until I can again.
3 comments:
He is doing so good! He won't remember any pain, and people will only tell him about how you sat by his crib everyday you could, and how we all prayed he would get better fast and he could come home.He will know how loved he is. And when he sees pictures of himself you can tell him the doctors are making him stronger and faster and he will thank you even more, because we all know how big, fast, and strong this little boy is going to be. (He is related to his dad and you)
While I empathize and understand your feelings surrounding Max's birth, may I offer a suggestion? OK, well, I'm going to anyway. Take only positive, loving thoughts to his hospital room. Instead of expressing your feelings of remorse, tell him over and over how glad you are he chose you and is choosing life every day. Fill his space with nothing but feelings of gratitude and love. I know I'm being simplistic, but it's something I strongly believe. You can still feel guilty and be sorry (although you're living in the past by doing that), just don't do it when you're close to Max. You can always do it in my office, if you so desire! I'm so very thankful for all the goodness that has blessed your little family's life!
When I read what you said about blessings even though you don't deserve them, I almost cried. A very wise person told me once that in order to have miracles in your life, you have to be willing to be undeserving. It's because most of us don't realize how much unconditional love Spirit has for us. The "undeserving" part is in our little heads; we think we have to earn God's love - but we don't. That's what makes it unconditional. That's what makes it Grace. I am so glad the light of grace is shining on you and your family.
Love,
Janica
Post a Comment